Too long

23 03 2012

It’s been way too long.

I’ll be back soon, as soon as I find the time and the right state of mind. 

 





Photos

22 10 2011

On Friday, I redeemed my birthday gift to myself, an all-about-me day. After dropping my girl off at school, instead of driving to the office, I drove in the opposite direction… After about an hour of highway driving (and a couple of U-turns for getting completely lost in the middle of nowhere), I arrived at destination, a huge warehouse where a good looking young photographer was waiting to show me a few hours of total fun.

One of the wishes in my bucket list was to have a professional photo shoot before I turn 35 and I still have a somewhat decent body. So, when I met this guy and he told me he would like to photograph me for his portfolio, I was totally psyched and jumped on the opportunity.

Friday was my time-as-a-model day… I loved changing into different outfits, getting lights adjusted around me, and daring to shoot some sexy poses.

I haven’t seen any of the pictures yet, and I don’t even know if there will be any good ones, but I cherish those hours in which I felt like a relaxed, special, beautiful woman.

After the photo shoot, I went shopping and bought my girl a few outfits and lots of party supplies for her upcoming b-day party.

The day was pure “me-happy”.





Thoughts

16 10 2011

I love my new loft. It is still bare, only the olive green couch breaks away from the colour of the pine floor and the white walls. I love to hide up here, smell the delicious scent of fresh wood. There is a little skylight, which allows to see nothing but mountain and sky.

It is the place where I can breathe… Here, I have been enjoying a few moments of much needed solitude, a few minutes when  I can think,  read, write, relax, undisturbed. Those are rare moments in my life lately and I crave them with all my body and soul. I feel I can be myself here. I can daydream my own dreams without having to explain myself to others… without listening to others tell me how crazy and foolish I sound. Here, I often think of the past, I analyze the present, look at the future while laughing and crying, congested by the whirlpool of thoughts.

This past week was a roller coaster of emotions. It started out with a bit of worry as I had to get my daughter to the doctor to get yet another blood test done as the previous one showed some abnormal counts. While we were at the doctor’s office, she suggested also a urine test. My poor little girl couldn’t pee on the spot and, no matter how much water she drank, how many”pssshhh” sounds I made – I can only imagine what the people in the near bathroom thought – “coo coo Mom”! -, we left an hour later with the request to bring a urine sample the next morning. On Tuesday, I woke up by thunders and lightnings and really strong winds, got myself and my girl ready, grabbed the pee sample, a few handouts and notes needed for a morning business presentation. By the time I dropped my daughter off to school, the rain was so strong and thick that I was soaked. So, I didn’t think much about how wet my new much-desired Lug bag looked… Once I arrived at the lab, however, it was clear that it wasn’t all rain that got my bag wet… I must have not screwed the top of the urine container tightly enough and my daughter’s pee was all over my bag, wallet and work papers! I wanted to scream… (which I actually did in the solitude of my car), but then I imagined myself 15 years from now telling my daughter this anecdote and I laughed out loud at the silliness of it all.

I guess being a working Mom also means taking into account that you will show up at the office with pee-stained papers!

Thursday saw me trying to communicate with a dear friend over Skype. We had lots of connection difficulties and our conversation resulted in a lot of funny face expressions and the use of sign language. Our conversation only lasted a few minutes because of this, but it put a smile on my face for the entire day. It was bitter-sweet, really, as I truly miss this friendship in my life. It is good for my heart and soul.

Also, this past week I found out that my girl is completely over her egg allergy, which she’s had since she was a baby. This will make her life a bit easier.

I have all the reasons to be happy, yet I find myself so down at times, so tired and angry at myself and at the world… I lose my patience very easily. I hate myself when this happens as I wish I could be the perfect partner, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect professional. I am everything but perfect. It feels like I can’t do anything right, let alone be any of those perfect identities, especially the one thing that is most important to me, to be a good mother to my daughter.  I know of other women who are business women, mothers and wives; they can do it all, and they don’t lose their smile and their soft touch. I am jealous of those women, and angry at myself for not being able to be one of them.

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I have been listening to this song over and over again and I never get tired of it. I love this girl’s voice, it has the power to go right through my body and touch my soul.





This song kills me…

14 10 2011

“I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done

And wake up to your face against the morning sun

But like everything I’ve ever known

You disappear one day
So I spend my whole life hiding my heart away

Drop me off at the train station
Put a kiss on top of my head
Watch you wave
You watched me wave…”





Loneliness

2 10 2011

People around me.

Things to do, words to say.

Smiles to smile, acts to play.

You, always by me.

They call you “the worst companion”

I call you my best friend.

By True Moi





Choosing each other

1 10 2011

The other day, on the local playground I had quite the interesting conversation with a chatty old man. In the first twenty minutes of his monologue, he told me his entire life story as I sat on the playground bench trying to keep my daughter under the mommy – radar while half-listening to this peculiar old guy.

“Sixty-five years…” — “Pardon me?” I said. “Sixty-five years since I look my wife in the eyes and asked her to marry me. We were married two weeks later and have been ever since.”

“Wow!” I said, “that’s a life-time… the real meaning of forever love…”.

He laughed out loud and slowly shook his head. “Love, my dear, is for the young mind. When you reach my age, you look back and you see that during the years you’ve gone through good times and bad times and that this person has always been near you. During life, you have chosen each other, over and over again.”

I looked at him, speechless.

He smiled an ancient smile and walked away with the help of  his cane.

You have chosen each other, over and over again.”





Human touch

25 09 2011

’Tis the human touch
in this world that counts,
The touch of your hand and mine,
Which means far more
to the fainting heart
Than shelter and bread and wine.
For shelter is gone
when the night is o’er,
And bread lasts only a day.
But the touch of the hand
And the sound of the voice
Sing on in the soul always. — Spencer Michael Free