16 10 2011

I love my new loft. It is still bare, only the olive green couch breaks away from the colour of the pine floor and the white walls. I love to hide up here, smell the delicious scent of fresh wood. There is a little skylight, which allows to see nothing but mountain and sky.

It is the place where I can breathe… Here, I have been enjoying a few moments of much needed solitude, a few minutes when  I can think,  read, write, relax, undisturbed. Those are rare moments in my life lately and I crave them with all my body and soul. I feel I can be myself here. I can daydream my own dreams without having to explain myself to others… without listening to others tell me how crazy and foolish I sound. Here, I often think of the past, I analyze the present, look at the future while laughing and crying, congested by the whirlpool of thoughts.

This past week was a roller coaster of emotions. It started out with a bit of worry as I had to get my daughter to the doctor to get yet another blood test done as the previous one showed some abnormal counts. While we were at the doctor’s office, she suggested also a urine test. My poor little girl couldn’t pee on the spot and, no matter how much water she drank, how many”pssshhh” sounds I made – I can only imagine what the people in the near bathroom thought – “coo coo Mom”! -, we left an hour later with the request to bring a urine sample the next morning. On Tuesday, I woke up by thunders and lightnings and really strong winds, got myself and my girl ready, grabbed the pee sample, a few handouts and notes needed for a morning business presentation. By the time I dropped my daughter off to school, the rain was so strong and thick that I was soaked. So, I didn’t think much about how wet my new much-desired Lug bag looked… Once I arrived at the lab, however, it was clear that it wasn’t all rain that got my bag wet… I must have not screwed the top of the urine container tightly enough and my daughter’s pee was all over my bag, wallet and work papers! I wanted to scream… (which I actually did in the solitude of my car), but then I imagined myself 15 years from now telling my daughter this anecdote and I laughed out loud at the silliness of it all.

I guess being a working Mom also means taking into account that you will show up at the office with pee-stained papers!

Thursday saw me trying to communicate with a dear friend over Skype. We had lots of connection difficulties and our conversation resulted in a lot of funny face expressions and the use of sign language. Our conversation only lasted a few minutes because of this, but it put a smile on my face for the entire day. It was bitter-sweet, really, as I truly miss this friendship in my life. It is good for my heart and soul.

Also, this past week I found out that my girl is completely over her egg allergy, which she’s had since she was a baby. This will make her life a bit easier.

I have all the reasons to be happy, yet I find myself so down at times, so tired and angry at myself and at the world… I lose my patience very easily. I hate myself when this happens as I wish I could be the perfect partner, the perfect mother, the perfect daughter, the perfect professional. I am everything but perfect. It feels like I can’t do anything right, let alone be any of those perfect identities, especially the one thing that is most important to me, to be a good mother to my daughter.  I know of other women who are business women, mothers and wives; they can do it all, and they don’t lose their smile and their soft touch. I am jealous of those women, and angry at myself for not being able to be one of them.


I have been listening to this song over and over again and I never get tired of it. I love this girl’s voice, it has the power to go right through my body and touch my soul.




2 responses

17 10 2011

I can’t upload the song to hear what it is, but let me tell you this Val, you are one of the very best mother’s I know. You are an amazing woman; don’t be so hard on yourself… ok? Love you loads!!! xo

18 10 2011

Thanks, Jody… Love you and miss you loads too!!! BTW, the song is “Someone Like You” by Adele

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